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@RT!CULO: EMO

El Gafapastismus Emus mejor conocido como Emo, es una cultura filosófica en la que está de moda lo que no está de moda. Paradójicamente, estos individuos odian las modas, por lo que en lo contradictorio forman parte de sus formas. En resumen, están en el montón de los que no quieren ser del montón. A sus seguidores se les considera otra evolución de la raza humana, y son también conocidos simplemente como "emos" (del portugués emo, eu masturbo outros). Limitan al sur con los góticos, al noroeste con los neopunks -los que un día visten con pantalones pitillo negros (básicos para esta subcultura) y al siguiente intentan hacer skate (sólo lo intentan...)- y atrás con los homos activos.

Origen

El origen del primero de todos los emos es todavía un gran misterio que muchos científicos han querido desvelar para así poder devolver a todos los emos a la dimensión de donde vinieron.

Hasta hace poco, se creía que habían salido de la cruza de una hoja de afeitar con un disco de camilo Sestateesteotro, pero la teoría con mayor aceptación actualmente entre la comunidad científica, que toma como base la Teoría de la Evolución de Darwin, estima la aparición de los primeros emos después de la Primera Glaciación. En esa época, en que los Australopitecos habían sido eliminados por los droides del malo malísimo, surgió una nueva especie que desevolucionaría hasta convertirse en la actual raza emo: el Emo Habilis.
En el conocido documental español La Odisea de los Emos (que emiten cada mes en La 2), pudimos observar lo que fué el primer avanze tecnológico de esta especie, y su aventajado razonamiento respecto de otros primates:

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Después, como toda especie sufrió una evolución, y pasó, por ciertos factores desconocidos y a causa de la necesidad de sobrevivir al cambio climático, a convertirse en el Emo Erectus, caracterzado por un aumento del índice de reproducción de la especie, lo que deribará algún día en un gran aumento de su población.

Varios eones después, apareció en la faz de la tierra el Emo Neandertalis. La palabra Neandertal proviene de Neo (nuevo) + Under (bajo) + Tall (alto). Murieron de implosión porque su existencia, como demuestra el nombre, no tiene ni piés nji cabeza.

De todos modos, siguen sin conocerse los pasos evolutivos de esta especie hasta nuestros días, manteniéndose vigente la creencia de que no evolucionaron, y que el pelo se les fue cayendo a medida que veían a sus congéneres suicidarse.
Se especula que la forma en que transmitian deseos suicidas los ancestrales (y aún más deprimentes) emos, era a traves de ruidos estraños y carentes de sentido para cualquier elemento viviente salvo un puñado de primigenios, aunque ellos hacen se empeñan en llamarlo, incluso hoy en día, música.

Actualemte una secta de grupos entre los que figuran "kudai" entre otras bandas (la misma sustancia bajo diferentes nombres), adoptaron esos cánticos en los idiomas actuales para tratar de perpetuar la especie, una actitud ciertamente peculiarmente contradictoria, pues si bien predican que el futuro y el mundo están podridos, por otro lado no dejan de intentar extender su cultura.

Características principales

Los emo son poco extrovertidos socialmente, carecen de conciencia individual y creen que jamás de los jamases serán felizes. Y por naturaleza odian a los hardcoreros, a los góticos, a los metaleros y a los punkis, pero desean sus pollas en secreto.

Tendencias

Además tienen tendecias a llorar con o sin motivo en las esquinas (como cualquier emo que se aprecie) hacer de sus problemas un mundo (o a veces dos o tres mundos) y predicar la anarquía, comunismo o socialismo vistiendo con ropas de 300€/$ o más. (aunque la mayoria de ellos son anárquicos sólo porque el simbolo les mola). También se consideran vegetarianos, porque queda cool ir de vegetariano, aunque luego vayan al McDonalds y pidan un BigMac con lechuga, o consideren bocadillo vegetal a esa mezcla pringosa de carne, lechuga, huevos duros, y 2 litros de mayonesa. Vamos, como cualquier vegetariano de palo que se precie.

Ropa

Ellos usan pantalones ceñidos en exceso (probablemente sustraidos del armario de la hermana), chaquetas (algunos usan una camisa de mangas cortas a cuadros sin abotonar con un t-shirt por debajo) y mochilas (de cartero) llenas de parches y chapas de bandas emo punk. Usan gafas de pasta (les da igual que vean perfectamente). Importante es no confundir éstas con los sagrados pastanteojos, reliquia sagrada que habría entregado Dios al primer hombre que sufrió de pastivitis visual (conocida vulgarmente como "me ha entrado un tallarín por el ojo"). Las zapatillas por excelencia son las Converse pisahuevo aunque también suelen llevar Vans slip-on (las de abuelo a cuadritos), o la imitación adaptada para emos de Converse mejor conocida como DC.

Usan siempre un cinturón de cuadritos de colores cuyas caracteristicas incluyen una luminosidad y/o saturación superiores en un 73,4% a la dosis recomendada para un ojo saludable, o bien, cinturones de tachuelas (para cuando no hay gilette). Los más cools usan sacos (blazers <3) style="font-weight: bold;">

En la Red


Como Nick del messenger suelen llevar estupidecez cosas como xXx^┼AngelicFruitCakeSebastian┼^xXx (Frase pastelosa de chicosensible en inglés sacada de una canción triste y enteramente homosexual). Y peor aún, en el messenger escriben como idiotas, agregando infinitas consonantes y acentos donde no se deben poner. Ejemplo: KiièRoH èzkaPaR ii dèzPèRTTaR ziin zabèR dèL TTiièmPoH, iiaH noH kiièRoH hablaR, zólo kiièRoH ènkonTTRaR un dííaH dèH Paz

Si eres emo y aún no tienes una página en Myspace, hi5 o metroflog, entonces todavía no eres emo (su vida no está completa si no tienen su "space" o fotolog.). Y si no eres emo, y los insultas por Fotolog, ten cuidado que te pueden mandaa a desactivar tu fotolog si les pones algo "fuerte" (para ellos, niñas de cuatro años).

Peliculas


Los emos afirman que las mejores películas del mundo son El Cuervo, Pesadilla Antes de Navidad (El extraño mundo de Jack en Latinoamérica, llevando chapitas de Pesadilla Antes de Navidad diez años después de que se haya estrenado y sin tener ni idea de quién es Henry Selick), La Novia Cadáver (El Cadáver de la Novia) o cualquiera que en ese momento nadie en la habitación conozca (o cualquiera que Tim Burton haya realizado, ya que para ellos es el mejor director del mundo), aunque ni siquiera las hayan visto y las dicen para hacerse los "cúl" (de preferencia luxemburguesa, francesa o del neorrealismo austrohúngaroitaliano de post-guerra).

Música


Suelen escuchar "grupos" como The Used, Thursday, Taking Back Sunday, Alexisonfire, The Get Up Kids, HIM, Sad Breakfast, Funeral for a Friend, Dashboard Confessional, Nevay, Valerie Series, Kendall, Mi Número Perfecto, La ultima fotografiA, My Chemical Romance, Insite, Underoath, Allison, Alesana, 30 seconds to Mars, Shaila, Sin Perdón, AFI, Kugay, Panda, Silverstein, Hawthorne Heights y cualquier otra banda en la que al menos uno de sus integrantes sea gay lleve flequillo. Dicen odiar el reguetón (artificialmente) y son pillados bailando/haciendo cosas homosexuales y diciendo frases como "ese tubo se mueve más que yo, ¿no te has dado cuenta?".
Es simple. Entre los intento de inteligentes estos está de moda lo que no está de moda. De repente y sin venir a cuento, se ponen de moda los flequillos, Pesadilla Antes de Navidad, las chapas y algunas otras cosas.

Enemigos Naturales y depredadores


Sus enemigos son... ¡¡coño!! ¡Todos! Casi cualquier miembro de alguna tribu urbana los odia (incluso los adultos y niños que no pertenecen a ningua tribu), exceptuando tal vez a los góticos, los pijos y uno que otro skaterpunk. Sus principales rivales son los Jebis y Hardcoreros, los primeros, debido a que odian cualquier muestra de sensibilad, transformándose en sus principales depredadores (se dice que los comen crudos) y los otros.... bueno, no se por que diablos los odiaran tanto, pero también los depredan. Usen su imaginación para ver la actitud que tomaría un emo al ver a uno de sus depredadores, pero por favor, por su salud, no traten de imaginar que pasaría si varios emos se encuentran solo a un jebi, intentarían hacerle daño, pero dudo que físico...

Lenguaje

Tratándose de emos hispanohablantes, se puede decir que el español lo hablan a medias, para decir moda dicen "hype", para decir interesante, dicen "cool" o indy, para decir idea dicen "meme", etc... también les gusta emplear palabras largas y cultas (cuanto más largas mejor, aunque si les dices extramariposapollalarga o algo inventado por ti se pueden cabrear contigo), como "aprehender" (en lugar de recoger), "leyenda urbana" en lugar de mito, ironía, futilidad, insignificante, cosmopolita, cualquier otra palabra que haga referencia a los movimientos culturales del siglo veinte (dadaísmo, impresionismo, cubismo, etc) o alguna otra sacada de algún libro de Shakespeare o cualquier otro escrito por un filósofo alemán que nadie en la habitación conoce y que usan para demostrar superioridad friki-intelectual a sus enemigos y aterrorizarlos, siempre en tono melodramático tranquilo. en el mesénller suelen expresarse con caritas invertidas [(:] o a hablar como retrasados mentales diciendo "Olaa (: komo eztaj tu pexoxa?"

Plan de Dominación Mundial Emo


En el fatídico momento en que un emo llegue al poder de Estados Juntitos obligará a todos los ciudadanos de a pie (los marinos y pilotos de aviones se salvan) a vestir con entubados, camisas rosas y Vans de cuadritos y a llevar flequillo y la mayoria de gente se cortará las venas para encontrar un escape a su desesperación, cosa que les hará muy emos. Los que se resignen pasarán a ser emos, y los de la resistencia anti-emo llorarán y resolverán suicidarse al ver que no tienen ninguna posibilidad (y eso los hará altamente emos). Se dice que los emos han creado un virus que afecta al ganado vacuno, convirtiendo a los pobres animales en uno de los suyos, los cuales, al ser comidos por los verdaderos seres humanos, infectarán a los humanos en cuestión, haciéndolos emos. Estos emos virales (ojo que dije virales y no viriles) contagian con su sola presencia a las demás criaturas de Dios o de Ratanás (los emos no son ni de uno ni del otro), lo cual provoca que la enfermedad esté actualmente muy difundida (existimos algunos que nos libramos del ataque del virus emo, los que estamos bien definidos y con los pantalones bien puestos). Según la OMS, la pandemia pasa de mal en peor, pues se extiende por gran parte de América (cuidado, pues es probable que sus amigos o incluso sus hermanos tengan o adquieran tendencias emo, o intenten ocultarlo pero en el Mésenller la foto que ponen de logo es emo con la excusa de "me gustan sus locos pelos, pero no soy emo", tanto en animales como humanos. Por suerte, algunos tenemos defensas contra ese maligno virus, y seremos el grupo rebelde cuando el Imperio emo domine el mundo.

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la verda sos un korki ._.
yo era emo..y pensaba asi pero porke me informe mal..
pero ase meses me di kuenta ke solo es una moda y ke me sigue gustando porke en realidad soy asi..
los verdaderos emos no son depresivos ni se cortan ni nada d eso ._.
aunke yo lo ice..y me gusta pero no se porke y no soy depresiva ¬¬


chauchas ¬¬

att: alesanita Screamo...! y ke?

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